Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.

Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today

Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”

[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”

I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?

I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.

Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k

I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.

I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.

[candle store]

WIFE: Do you have vanilla?

“No”

WIFE: Apple?

“Nope”

WIFE: Lavender?

“Sorry”

ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents

Bull: [angrily snorts]

Bulldog: [angrily barks]

French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]

one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.

When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.

I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.

Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW

It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.

STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

[after explaining speed limit signs]

5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.