Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:

I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.

You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.

KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.

Him: Sarah is dead.

Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…

Hamburger Hinderer.

Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.

I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.

Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit

Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-

People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE

Meterologist: But science

People: NO

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.

Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.

Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?

Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.

Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?

Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her

Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.

Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.

ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?

*slides over pic of him with another dog*

JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.

What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?

Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”

[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*

I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.

Ha ha I’m so lonely

Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.

Luke: OK.

Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.