13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
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me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
“Awkward silences are the worst”
*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base