Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold

My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:

NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY

NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY

Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine

Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*

One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.

The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105

So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:

6lb11oz!

Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.

“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…

…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.

My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.

The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.

Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit

I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.

Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…

English teacher: I’m listening

NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!

ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god

(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground

The 5 most important things to teach my kids:

1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count

The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.

I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.

Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks

Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.

Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?

i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience

It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.

A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.