13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
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COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.