Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.

Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah

Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?

Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?

I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.

Which knight can find anything?

Sir Chengine.

spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.

I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.

I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”

i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg

[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u

The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.

Finally

AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire

me: *chopping onions*

wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?

me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda

Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.

Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —

Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!

This was the best day of my life

People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.

“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”

I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.

When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.

I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.

Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.

Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.

[working at a candle factory, day four]

ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going

*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*

911 operator: i need your exact location

Me: nevermind

Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.