13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
You Might Also Like
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Oh hi lol
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War