Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.

Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.

What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.

My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.

10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”

10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.

age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch

age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks

My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out

My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.

Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.

So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.

Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost

love it when they get my name right

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing

Me: *stands on one leg*

My flamenco teacher: No.

No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory

*looks hard af*

*pukes polaroid*

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.

Nothing, it was on the house.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.

After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.

Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0

I call my period Shark week.

I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere

Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.

I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.

It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.

Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.

People underestimate the Pacific.

God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human

Jesus: Can I drink?

God: Yes

Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?

God: No

Jesus: Can I have a man cave?

God: Eventually *winks at angel*

pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor

tv execs: go on

pitch: but he is better than other doctors

tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*

pitch: because of his Condition

tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on