Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Q: “How long were you at your last job?”

A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”

Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.

i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.

7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?

ME: he’s a NASA scientist

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply

There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.

I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.

Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.

ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands

WIFE: At the same time

THERAPIST: In sync?

TOGETHER: *screams*

Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.

I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever

Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage

the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs

Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.

DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]

Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.

Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

so, is there a mister shapen head