13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
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[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Roombas should bark
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
2022 will be better than 2021
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.