Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?

6-year-old: I know all the words.

Me: Good.

6: Just not all the letters in them.

Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?

Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?

Me: garden hose is fine thanks

There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.

Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.

Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world

Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?

This is why I hate group projects

“Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.

*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.

oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying

Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-

Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!

me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!

me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”

still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”

[trick or treating]

“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”

Me: potty training.

“In my pumpkin?!”

Me: She likes the heated seat.

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go