13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
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That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Happy Caturday!
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.