Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.

*Seductively hides in the woods

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.

Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.

Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there

i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit

I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday

Me:

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me

The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:

“How I Met Your Mothra”

My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.

Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today

Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee

Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes

We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.

I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford

[dinner time]

me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?

kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make

What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?

My biggest problem?

Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”

Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”

Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”

meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.

I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.

My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.

i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.