13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
You Might Also Like
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
I need to know what happened here in 1620.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
🙂🙃🥹
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.