Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think

Fight

you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.

[watching Boogie Nights]

age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.

age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

ME: my contract says I can work from home

BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine

I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”

These 3D printers are insane!

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.

I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.

We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.

But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me

That’s enough internet for the day

Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off

My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her

Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.

Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!

I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*

Surgeon: You should be asleep.

Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.

Names the boat Hell Sinky.

Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare

Librarian: which one?

Me: William

What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?

Merry Christmas everyone

Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.

Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.

Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?

I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.

My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.

Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.