13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
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Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
The honesty is refreshing
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.