Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge

When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.

DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now

“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013

Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?

Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”

My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.

Mother: can you please fix my computer

Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006

If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙‍♀️

Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.

Choose your seat? $10 fee

Check a bag? $30 fee

Want a pilot? $50 fee

Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him

Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

Her: this isn’t going to work out

Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?

when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it

I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.

“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs

My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.

Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.

The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.

Cunts love it when you call them that.

Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.

Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.

Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..

Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.