13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
You Might Also Like
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
I found a set of keys everyone was looking for in the pub so i’m a magpie now apparently if anyone’s lost any shiny shit
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
[loses house key, starts a new life]
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV