13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
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wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
