13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
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If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Air pods looking like an angry frog
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
*cough*
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”