Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway

vegan witches, happy halloween!

I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.

Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.

Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*

*3.5 thank you very much.

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?

Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting

“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”

My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.

Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?

(therapist voice)

Please, lie down on the shrouch.

Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”

The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

ME: what’s for dinner

KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago

I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it

The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding

Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.

Who.
Did.
This?

I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”

I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.

I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.

A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.