13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
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ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…