Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.

Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.

In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.

Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.

[Job interview]

Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next

Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit

Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”

employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad

Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long

Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long

Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.

boss: can i see u in my office

me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out

never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number

what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.

my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo

Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.

Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.