Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear

I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.

Coworker: What book you reading there?

Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’

CW:…

Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.

“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again

Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.

I was just discussing this with my cat

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.

To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.

[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO

Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”

Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.

[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”

I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”

My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds

wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”

*Takes leash off feral dad*

Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.

*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*

BAD DAD! BAD!

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger