Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.

Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup

yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.

………….so like he’s clearly a monster right

You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.

My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married

It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.

Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.

These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.

Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.

You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know

Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard

How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.

I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…

me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?

coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one

[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.

Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week

“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”

“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”

“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”

Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!

Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.

– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!

– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.

Cop: You’re wanted for murder

Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?

Cop: What?

Me: Huh?

Autocorrect completely socks

<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men

If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.

What personal space?

My dog

[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

[…typing]
Haha, April fools

You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.

When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”

OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.