13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
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McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Google Pay be like:
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.