Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.

mom: everyone has to learn to swim

kid: even jesus?

mom: of course

jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda

my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”

Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.

– an early draft

I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.

If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…

If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.

rip to my favourite tweet

If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)

Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep

Cop: where ya headed?

“the gym”

Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you

“thank you so much, officer”

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.

Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:

“All sails are final.”

Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.

Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.

Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…

Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.

INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian

BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.

My CW just barked.

Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.

my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box

[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.

[Hair Salon]

Stylist: What would you like?

Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.