Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now

Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?

If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.

god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend

dog: cool

god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide

horse: nice

chicken: and what do i get to do?

god: uhhh

chicken: god what do i get to do

Me when I try to be useful

My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.

Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*

Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?

Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.

[Calling doctor’s office]

Lady: When is your child’s birthday?

Me: *panic* click

If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”

Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”

H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”

Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle

4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad

Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression

At the park.

4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?

Me:

Me:

Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!

When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.

What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.

My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

Is this a threat?