Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.

Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…

I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.

-gets $127 phone bill

1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance

2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month

Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years

me: you want to lose your mind?

BM: yes

me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children

BM: right

me: ah, I see the difficulty

Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.

I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.

{first day as a dermatologist}

DOCTOR: what brings you in today?

PATIENT: psoriasis.

DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.

Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands

[later]

Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music

My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.

Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.

(silence)

Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.

things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton

HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched

You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?

I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.

99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.

At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably

Cats are so graceful and light-footed.

[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]

you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink

Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.

18 is TOO young to get married!

You can’t even buy booze at 18!

If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?

Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?

Dinner Date: I love Youtube.

Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class

the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers

Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more

DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture

FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby

ME: not today satan