13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
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mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
airing out the snack pack
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.