13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
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Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.