Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.

127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading

never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes

When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:

“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”

[on the sidelines at a college football game]

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell

crowd: *not paying attention*

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!

crowd: *still not paying attention*

me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday

old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca

My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.

5yo: We should get her two gifts

Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.

5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.

Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.

Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.

Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.

Thuggalations: 17:28

6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*

Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?

6: My boyfriend.

Me: Give it back.

I have so many questions.

ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.

My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan

god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys

god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!

Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with

The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping

ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.

COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for

My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*

People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.

I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.

The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking