Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.

Son: How does this end?

Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland

Son: No this movie

Me: Shrek marries Fiona

[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.

ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*

Better “copulate” than “copunever.”

me: will I go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are

i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow

I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”

-The Eclairvoyant

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.

Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.

dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings

I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.

Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.

A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

3: Mommy, I hid your phone.

i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat

The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”

[15mins into yard work]

my body: yeah… no.

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

Yo. I spit out my drink 😂