13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
dog: [brings sticks inside]
me: no that belongs outside
me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]
dog: what the actual shit is this
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
