13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
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Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”