13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
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Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening