Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”

I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”

And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.

[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?

boss: what are you doing this weekend?

me: more like who 😉

boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?

me: no one 🙁

I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.

“Do you have a flavor?”

La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.

Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.

Tomorrow’s weather forecast:

60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.

The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair

how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls

Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.

Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.

Me: I stand by what I said.

I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.

Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.

the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u