me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
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the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.