People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
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My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.