What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
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If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
#Caturday
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.