What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
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It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
At this point in my marriage, showering together is just a convenient way to check for ticks.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Me: And neither wears pants
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.