Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
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I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’