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What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.


It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.


wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?


I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.


At this point in my marriage, showering together is just a convenient way to check for ticks.


Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.

Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.


Me: And neither wears pants


I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese


Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.


I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.