The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
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CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
me when the borders lift
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake