Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*

“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”

Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.

Me: everything happens for a reason

Her: can I get your number?

Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”

Her: I’ll also need your insurance

Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.

she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October

“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”

the bartender:

Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.

serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.

[God making peaches]

ANGEL: we already have nectarines

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them

ANGEL: what

GOD: what

Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

Drugs don’t ruin lives

Drug tests do

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times

Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..

playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.

ㅤㅤ

[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?

Me: *raises hand*

Them: Get out.

In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder

Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?

If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.

Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year

I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.

*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*

“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”