You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
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Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.