@ShitpostBot5000
@lifecoachfit
Population Control: Make birth control a psychedelic.
You’re welcome.
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@lifecoachfit
@Gupton68
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
@david_tull
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
@MelissatheDuffy
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
@DurtMcHurtt
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
@kimtopher22
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
@Dawn_M_
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
@1MeLrO
Yes advice is free, but so are throat punches
@ClichedOut
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
@Manali_Shetye5
Him:The seven dwarves were on a bus, they all started to feel Sleepy. So Sleepy got off.
Me:Oh come on, man! That pun was Dopey!