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@lifecoachfit

Population Control: Make birth control a psychedelic.

You’re welcome.

@Gupton68

I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.

@david_tull

Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.

@MelissatheDuffy

I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance

@DurtMcHurtt

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

@kimtopher22

Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.

@Dawn_M_

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.

@1MeLrO

Yes advice is free, but so are throat punches

@ClichedOut

ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich

@Manali_Shetye5

Him:The seven dwarves were on a bus, they all started to feel Sleepy. So Sleepy got off.

Me:Oh come on, man! That pun was Dopey!