Population Control: Make birth control a psychedelic.
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I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Yes advice is free, but so are throat punches
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Him:The seven dwarves were on a bus, they all started to feel Sleepy. So Sleepy got off.
Me:Oh come on, man! That pun was Dopey!