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CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly


a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:13:”omgthatspunny”;s:5:”image”;s:75:””;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”346765466682945537″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”341″;s:5:”tweet”;s:82:”When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}


I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.


Donald Trump calls on Hillary to shut down her foundation. Meanwhile, we’re all still begging him to choose a more natural color for his.


*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?



God: And as they age, they shall lose all the hair on their heads and grow more in their ears & noses

Angel: Yes, my Liege



ME: I’ll have the eggs, please

WAITER: how would you like those?

ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.


Fatherhood Tip : If there’s puke in your coat pocket and poop on your shoulder, you’re holding the baby upside down.