Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
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ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext
this guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best