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@13spencer

A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.

@bridger_w

I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car

@Lil_MythGrey

Keanu Reeves must really wanna be my friend. He follows me from sixteen different accounts.

@ReneeHooray

Found out a guy I dated was in jail for attempted murder.

He never even tried to take me camping,
I’m not even good enough to kill.

@chrisdowning

A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.

@dadopotamus

“What do you like to do in your free time?”

Golf.

“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”

8 years ago.

@BunAndLeggings

When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.

@WilliamAder

People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!