Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
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I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
*aggressively waits in line*
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.