*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
You Might Also Like
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.