Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring

Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar

they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.

My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”

Me: *opens my front door*

Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*

Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.

Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.

Me: February probably.

I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.

The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.

Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.

My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”

Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.

What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.

I only need one finger to get my point across.

My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.

I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?

So they can be namaste at home moms.

when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient

“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”

“DAD?!”

[next day]

“Where you going with that broom handle?”

“Checkin for squirrels”

On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.

my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman