13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
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And now begins the yearly tradition of writing the incorrect year on everything, for the next 3 months.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.