Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.

“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”

This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.

The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.

I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar

“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!

Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.

Me: objection your honour!

Judge : sustained

Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*

It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.

Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.

Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*

I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.

A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.

Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Friend: “Motivational.”

My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on

[visit to zoo]

See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.

BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?

*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*

Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?

Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.

Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.

Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!

FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.