13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
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INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
socratic questions
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Classic German Shepherd 😂
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
When you’re Kinky but poor
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.