13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
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me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
One venti cheeseburger please.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that