Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).

Trains are just sideway elevators.

Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.

Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones

For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”

Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”

I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:

dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese

Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?

Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper

Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.

[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine

Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.

Wife: bay.

Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.

Wife: bee.

Me: to hush someone; four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Me: boat Noah built; three letters.

Wife: ark.

Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first

Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.

Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.

Her: What if there’s lightning?

Me: Then you get to be on top…

some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?

I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.

Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.

“I don’t do politics.”

Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.

Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately

Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?

There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.

My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.

I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!

Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?

Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?

“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”

They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”