Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.

Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.

My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.

She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.

I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”

She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.

Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.

Here I am, block me like a hurricane.

I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]

Me: it’s a little cold 😤

receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷‍♀️

“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.

My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave

Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.

Dude t-rex: 😑

pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:

con: loneliness

pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you

director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time

It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.

Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”

Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”

They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

Thinking about Jeff

I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…

It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁

My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.

Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.