Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: NOT THIS TIME

Kids: *already running away with my pants*

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.

If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.

This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.

Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.

FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!

ABE LINCOLN: is that good

You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.

Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.

*starts crying*

me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock

When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.

Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real

My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.

The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.

why am i having trouble navigating this map??

me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

Give a baker flours on your first date.

professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism

me: I guess I don’t have a choice

professor: great job

me: what

Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?

My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?

Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6

first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller

Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.