Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break

they should schedule doctor appts like

DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

*meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?

y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s

hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here

Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory

No weirdos

me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”

never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again

WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?

~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

[meeting]

Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children

Demon in the back: I have the soy latte

If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?

Interviewed a Canadian.

She has a Canadian accent & boobs.

She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.

She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

Me: objection your honour!

Judge : sustained

Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go

Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).

If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.

Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.