13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
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Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
if a cop pulls u over play dead
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest