Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!

7yo: I’m Coach Tommy

Coach: No wait…

Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!

*the whole team cheers*

Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

Oh boy, $150,000!

David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is

Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.

Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.

*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*

ME: Hon, wtf?

HER: push up bra

Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…

Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?

jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy

Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.

good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*

Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.

6 month checkup…

Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.

“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”

That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.

Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.

yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other

this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?

[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong

Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!

Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!

Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!

Boss:…

*our eyes lock and we kiss*

me: our first night as man and wife

bride: you know what that means 😉

me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this

bride: what

me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel

spouse: why

me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING

Silence is golden

But duct tape is silver.