Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?

Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?

Her: Uh, excuse me?

Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.

Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”

Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”

I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.

*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*

5: Can we play music in our room?

Me: Sure!

5: Any music?

Me: Whatever you want!

5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!

Me: Nooooooooooooo

At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.

We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’

mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200

me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay

Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!

Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button

me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no

When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence

9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge

Me: yes

9: you gonna cook it?

Me: yes

9: I love you

Me: I know

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

“That’s what” – She

Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??

Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.

[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”

“Evolution-schmevolution!”

-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy

ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store

ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya

Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?

Me: One bed is good

Greg (my coworker): What?

I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.

Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.