Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.

After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?

LOL

Never thought owning a bakery would have me handwrite love letters for long distance couples sending each other breads but here I am. This is literally the thirdest I’ve ever wheeled without even being even there

Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews

*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS

The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.

The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!

Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets

BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be

ME: I’ll have a dirty martini

BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*

[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.

The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.

My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.

[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye

Boss: It’s a make or break situation!

Me: I’ll take a break then tnx

“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds

Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.

“Don’t kid yourself.”

—birth control advert

That’s not a tweet.

Alcohol: Yes it is.

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.

beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.

Me: I’m exhausted

Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today

Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?

*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.

Me: why don’t I have a gf

Him: have you tried asking someone

Me: no

Him: like her. Ask her.

Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf