14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
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imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.