Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.

Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro

It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department

I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.

The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free

I can’t stop watching this.

Spanish Government: Anything further to report?

Shakira: No.

Shakira’s hips: YES!

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: I got stabbed!!!

Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?

Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid

Me: these say they have another week

*throws them in the cart*

[During acupuncture]

Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH

Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.

I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.

I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.

VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things

When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*

Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.

I only sleep with people who make me laugh.

Luckily, I find myself hilarious.

Them: You seem nice.

Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!

i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real

Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”

5yo: “Yes!”

Me: “What colors?”

5yo: “The same!”

woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk

We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.

I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.