Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them

Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.

ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]

ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?

ME: Because I care.

It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.

I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.

Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.

[gets anchor tattoo removed]

Oh dear

[slowly floats towards the sun]

You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters

I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.

Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”

Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.

Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.

Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

China are probably making all the medals anyway.

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

Yep.

You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”