14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
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It do be feeling this way.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
As a retiree, I have two pairs of pajamas. Bedtime and daytime. Sometimes I get them confused.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Free him
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president