14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
You Might Also Like
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
I have to consciously stop myself from ending all my work calls with “love you bye”
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
I saw this ending much differently.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.