Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.

Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.

cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball

doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*

[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.

<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife

To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call

–companies

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]

Death: I’m coming for you.

Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.

Death: Lol, k.

Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.

Death: You’re not even that hot.

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.

You should be tunashamed of yourself!

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

No more questions until my mom gets here

-Me to HR

watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

I’m tired tomorrow.

Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.

Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!

Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?

Woman: Yes! No!

trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive

[two astronauts in space station]

“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows

My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.

Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.

Well, not on my watch.

Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.

“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.

0/10 stars, would not recommend.”

– Super Mario Bros. Online review

Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.

Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.

It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase

Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!