Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

Impervious: being an admitted pervert

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.

“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”

– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious

Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.

Body: Ten more minutes then.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?

ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

INTERVIEWER: What?

ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.

Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out

Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage

If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!

Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing

My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.

No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else

I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.

Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.

Marriage.

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person

Girl: I’m not going to go out with you

Me: So you hate the planet?

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium

My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect

“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter

My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it

It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…