Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

*checks Timeline*…

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*

Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.

[eraser factory]

BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?

ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself

You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)

With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.

If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?

[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]

wife: I should have been the one to do it

me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house

Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad

Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.

[Voter registration]

Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals

Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”

[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water

Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies

You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.

*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER

I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

[zombies eating me]

Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?

Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard

Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes

My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”

Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”

no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”

It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.

Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣

Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.

Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.