Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: what the hell happened here?

ME: i broke an egg

[earlier]

ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit

Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.

“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”

Dear Fox news,

I have yet to see any news about foxes.

Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.

Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*

Elephant:

God: all of them

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.

My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.

*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents

If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

she has a point

When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica

We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.

Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?

Me: No, I do.

when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY

“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings

fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is

scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask

fred: really no idea who it is

scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–

fred: just no way to know

My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix

“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]

age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable

age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable

10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow

Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!

10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!

I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.

I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.